I sit in and can't help but think of so many things. I have come to feel like an outsider where I live. I never have come close to feeling like I fit in where I am currently at, which I have never minded at all, but now I just have the desire for something more. I go through the motions day after day and just feel like it all ends in futility. I feel like that no matter what I accomplish I have no sense of worth of the day. I could work on homework for 6 hours straight, go for a 20 mile bike ride, or fill out a ridiculous amount of applications, and yet I still feel like no matter what I do there is ultimately no point. Technically, I am supposed to do all for the glory of God, but for some reason I cannot justify to myself that what I have done with my day matters in anyway, shape or form. I find myself asking the question that most people struggle with, and that causes more strife and confusion than anything--Why? Why do I do the things I do? Why do I feel like that my life has utterly been a waste? Why do I feel that everything I have ever done has all been in vain? Why....why.....why?
The contrast to these "why" questions is the thought process that leaves me with answers that I know but struggle with believing. I feel like I know to a great extent how all my problems can be solved and how I can be at peace once again, yet putting those things into practice and believing that they are true in my heart are just something I am not really sure about. My heart keeps fighting me for all the things it wants, when my brain knows not what I want but what I need. If only there was some way to reconcile these differences. Encouragement is something that I have been lacking for so long that when I finally get it, I respond with bitterness, sarcasm, cynicism or pessimism. I know that I am a product of my culture and my life, so I guess what I really need is to get out of my current position and find a new life to lead, a fresh start......
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