Just a fly....

I have come to live my life in the shadows watching everything as it passes by me. I know this life is temporal, these feelings are temporal, and so is this body, so most people with these thoughts would try and live life like there is no tomorrow because the end comes closer with every passing moment. Instead, I have come to be a fly upon the wall of life. I would rather watch everything pass me by and seldom take part in something unless the pros of it outweigh the cons, which there are usually many. It is so much easier to distance myself from everything living in an apartment, away from the hub of the college. Even with three roommates, all it takes is for me to put on my headphones and the world as I know it becomes solely about me--what I am feeling, what I am thinking....and I am always thinking. There is technically no such thing as spontaneity with me. I have thought it all out before. Something may be purveyed as random and eccentric, but even in that split second before the action is carried out, the decision was thought about in my rapid-firing nerve-filled mind. Therefore, my thinking has led me to shy away from the world in terms of who I am really am. No one will ever know the real me because I still have yet to understand what that really means.....

I am in the process of whittling down the people in my life. I have grown tired of dealing with so many people that I will find out who really matters and who is just a waste of my time. Time truly is a precious thing to waste, and if someone is going to waste mine, I would sooner give up on them and pursue reading a book, playing a video game, or just sitting on my bed with my headphones on oblivious to those around me. I am constantly watching and taking everything in, processing it. I know that I have a mediocre amount of common sense, but what I lack there, I more than make up for in my ability to think and process my surroundings and the world around me. I truly wish that people remembered what it is like to think for themselves and not become a copy or mold of society or what their friends tell them to be. I refuse to conform to anything because I am determined to remain me, with my personality, emotions, and convictions, all thought out and fully understood. No matter how much progress is made in terms of technology and science and what not, I feel that society is on a regression in terms of the ability to think. Most of the people I know have lost this ability, and I have found are not worth it to have a meaningful, deep conversation with. I don't care how arrogant I might come across as because if I spawned someone to truly think of the dismal situation that thinking is in right now then I have served my purpose. The only good thing about this current time is that due to technology I can remain just a fly among the wall watching the pigs wallow in their own filth.......