Escape

I find it interesting that my whole life has always been spent trying to escape from something. I used video games to escape for my depressing childhood as a fat kid. I used friends and school to escape from my family. I chose to go to school in California to ultimately get away from my family. Cali is my escape from all the worries, problems, and anxiety that a dysfunctional family bring about. After spending over three years here, I am in search of another escape. I want to start a new chapter in my life. I do not care about all of the good things that have happened in my life while being here because they are all outweighed by my major focus on the negative. I despise this state to some extent now. There are too many reminders of all the things that I want to forget about and leave in the past, which is where they belong. Cali is where I was when my grandpa died, when my little sister went to jail, when my dog died (could really care less about this one) and where my heart was shattered and walls built up in its place. My escape from IL has led me now to needing another escape. I need a place to start making new memories that are free of torment, drama, and pessimism. I want to leave so bad, but am trapped here in this cage.

Do I have any regrets coming out here to Cali? None at all. Experience seems to be the only way that God enabled me to learn things through my stubbornness and pride. Therefore, I got everything that I deserve for not listening to the wisdom of others. "I told you so" has been a phrase that has been pushed in my face and stained in my ears. For as smart as I think that I can be, I have realized that I am nothing more than a fool. What good is a brain when I do not even use it? Seeing as how I have locked my heart away for no one to be able to get to again, I hope to let my brain run rampant and control my life. Thinking should keep me safe. Thinking should prevent me from being foolish again. I need to listen to my brain and shut off my emotions. The heart is a useless organ of emotion that should only serve to sustain this being that is called life.

The process of hiding my heart from the world has served harder than I thought it would be. As time progresses, I hope to succeed in the endeavor....