Musings

I know that things are different in my life to a great extent. It is difficult, but I enjoy being more open with people about how I am feeling in life. It has helped me resolve a many issues that I have had with many close friends and acquaintances. It has also helped me realize that I fail so often in so many ways without realizing it. Time after time I utterly screw up something to someone. Thankfully, God has been gracious with this person to have him remain a great friend of mine and still put up with the reoccurring drama that ever so floods my life.

I have no idea as to where the next couple of months will take me. Medical school is still of the utmost uncertainty. I have no idea where I will be living or as to what I will be doing. In all honesty, I am not worried. I am trying my best to trust in God and to what His will is in my life. If I do not get into medical school immediately, I know that I have an immense desire in my heart to be in the medical field somehow, and that I do not have this desire for no reason.

I am trying my best right now to guard my own heart. I will never forget what happened in the past, but the experiences were all necessary and any wrongs were forgiven and amends were made. I have a totally different attitude this time around. I will not let myself get abused, pushed around, or walked all over. My convictions are strong and I have expressed them as well as my concerns and doubts. Doubts and skepticism are healthy right now because it helps prevent me from jumping into anything or hopefully making any foolhardy decision based upon temporal emotions in m life. Things are different in my life, and I want to make sure that those things are also reciprocally different in yours, too! Only God know what he has in store for us. I am just going to trust in His sovereignty and pray that he remains the focus and center this time. It is not about us and never was. It is about Him. Period. End of discussion. I am grateful for the protection and concern from my loved ones because they have every right to be. That aside, it is ultimately my decision and my heart that is on the line. I hope you realize that this truly entails the two of us and neglect to focus and the opinions and gossiping of others. I believe you have changed, but only time will tell. God, let things be different this time.........please.......

Changes

I cannot even begin to describe the changes that have occurred in my life in the past five months. God has been very gracious to me in so many ways. I will always be the nice guy that lends a helping hand or a listening ear to a friend or loved one. However, I am truly beginning to find my voice. I have been burned to such a great extent in the past that I guess that was the only way for me to learn that it is more important for me to stick up for my convictions and for what is right rather than try to appease everyone just because I don't want to hurt their feelings with the cold, bitter truth. The truth really does set people free. My experiences have taught me that well. I pray that God works upon my stubbornness because it would be nice to learn from the wisdom and council of others for once rather than experiencing it firsthand. Thankfully, God is awesome either way, so that is more than enough comfort and reassurance. I am also no longer worried about the future. Medical school, for instance, is not the most important thing in the world. I have an amazing God and awesome friends and family that love and care for me. If I am supposed to be a doctor, God will enable it to happen at His timing.

I have learned to take things slowly in life. Jumping into something is not necessarily the best way to go about doing things. I am glad that things are different now. There is no veil of sunshine and puppy dogs there anymore. All that is left is reality and life. We know each others faults and sins. We know how to pray for each other and encourage each other. The basis and platform where each of us stands is fully understood, so there are no shocks or surprises. Most people might not approve of my actions, but it is because they never want me to be as crushed, hurt, and walked on as last time. A great friend told me, though, that it is much more worth it to risk being hurt again than to shut myself up from those emotions and experiences. My heart has softened greatly, which is a testimony of how God truly works in people's lives. It will be interesting to see where the next couple of months take us, but I am not afraid. God's love and grace is all sufficient for whatever the rest of my life stores......

"Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and he will say, 'Here I am.' ~ Isaiah 58:9a

The First Step

Taking the initiative in getting something started is always the hardest part. Whether the task at hand is the introduction to a paper, an application to medical school, or a resume for a job, having the motivation to start something that is usually tedious and cumbersome is very difficult. Yet again in my life do I find myself at one of these starting points. This is probably one of the most difficult and humbling things that I have ever taken on in my life, but, unfortunately, it is a necessity and pivotal to grow and flourish in my aspects. Quite honestly I am very anxious and nervous about taking this first step. I know that it has to be done, but I just know all of the stress and emotional weight that it will place upon me. I wish that I did not have to start this by myself. I know that God is my strength and my light, but it is always nice to have that physical support and encouragement, too! My friends and family are with me every step of the way, and they have been more than supportive and compassionate during this journey. I am very thankful for them, but I wish that they were here right now......God, please give me strength and peace.....

Israel!

I have to say that Israel was a blast! There was just so much to experience and take in that I was so blessed to have gone on the trip. I cannot express how different the sites were from what I perceived them to be in my mind. I hope that reading through the Bible now will be different in the sense that I can at least attribute a visual to many of the places that are mentioned. The trip started off weird and awkward, but overall ended very well. There was nothing really bad about the trip. The only part about the trip that I really did not appreciate was the flying itself. Then again, flying is one of my biggest pet peeves, so there is no surprise there.

I find myself somewhat stir crazy already after being in the states for less than 30 hours. I want to go and travel the world and see all that it has to offer. Instead, I am a poor college graduate looking for a job living in a place that means nothing in a city that means nothing in a state that I find boring and redundant. I have a sense of adventure that I long to exploit and utilize. Even starting medical school would be more advantageous than my current position. Hopefully I can try and visit some of the places in the U.S. that are nearby my present living accommodation. I have to do something. I cannot just sit back anymore and let life pass me by. A conversation today has helped me realize that going all out and going balls to the wall is the only way to really experience life.......so here goes nothing!