Two months in

This summer has been quite different from the last, and I am very thankful for that. I have been up here for two months now and have a church to go to. Unfortunately, this is not the church where my heart is at. I long for a church that I feel is home and one that I gladly call home. The church that I am at now sometimes feels like an obligation rather than church. I do not get excited like I used to get about church when going to this one. This church started with a bitter taste in my mouth. All I really want is to church seek, even though I most likely have less than year in this area.

I have found several brothers that are solid and great to hang out with. They have already called me out and areas of my life that needed it and encourage me to grow and strive for godliness. This has been a great blessing in my life. All I pray for that God provides me with is a mentor of some sort up here. I am patient in getting to know more people and getting settled in, but mentorship is one of the most important things on my list that I am currently lacking. God has provided me so much in my readjustment of life. It is just a matter of time before He brings this into my life as well! So thankful for such a loving and gracious Father!

Difficulties

The past two weeks have been rough for me. I know that God has currently placed me in the present circumstances and situations for a reason. I know that He is continually using anything and everything to strengthen me, reprove me, and grow me. I will never stop having to go through this process because I will always be an unfinished product, needing the necessary tempering and molding to refine me into a man of Him. The path of godliness and righteousness is very difficult. There are painful things following and pursuing truth in such a dark and dismal world. I knew what I was getting myself into when I made the decision to turn from my flesh and follow Truth. I just never fully expected how rough at times it would be. Satan uses my moments of extreme weakness to fill my head with doubt, controversy, and confusion. These are the times more so than ever where I need to remember the cross and the power over death and Satan that Christ has. No matter what the life event might be, God is in it and will use it to His glory. I pray for strength and complete and total daily submission to what God might have for me. There is never a time where life is hopeless or miserable. It might get incredible rough, but there is always hope in the darkest of places. The light is what my focus is on and is what keeps me going. I pray to be the glimmer of light in my community where there is not much to be found. I want nothing more than to be used by God and have my testimony be honoring to Him and touch the hearts of those that are misled and follow the lies of the world. My life is Yours and I will go where You want and be what You want. This is my prayer!

Growing up

I feel like growing up is not as much fun as I thought it would be when I was younger. Sure, I have become very mature and wise, and am still growing in those ways, but I don't seem to have as much fun as I used to. Everything in life is getting more and more serious, which is overshadowing all the opportunities to have fun and let loose. I still have fun, but the fun just isn't the same anymore. I miss the days of being able to be really immature with friends and just hang out with them and have no care in the world. I am still very carefree in many ways, but there is just an overwhelming amount of responsibility that seems to be in my life. Have a job, pay the rent/bills, apply to med school, etc. I just wish I could have a day to get away from everything in life and truly relax. I pray that God takes me away to a new place next year for school and that I can truly start over in a new place. This adventure called life has taken me to so many places with so many faces, and I am ready again to go. I will go wherever God takes me. It just so happens to currently be in nor cal. Where will You take me next Lord? I anticipate the journey You have planned out for me. I pray that I may be appreciate of what You have for me and always answer with a heart of humility, praise, and joy.

Routines

Life has seemed to me to become all to routine. I wake up, usually have to go to work, come back, play video games, read my Bible, then go to bed and do it all over again. I have become very restless. I just want some excitement in my life. I feel like life is just boring and tedious. I know that God has blessed me in so many ways, but I feel like I am missing some adventure in my life. Maybe it is because I am in an unfamiliar place with almost no one that I know. I am just very bored and restless. I feel like I am still very appreciative of what God has done for me, and I know that He is continually growing me, but life just seems like one be motion going over and over again to me. I pray that I continue to appreciate what God has blessed me with as well as continue to find my joy and peace with Him.

The past

I very much dislike the feeling of associating something with terrible pain and unpleasantness. The kind of feeling that leaves a bitter taste in ones mouth when thought of. This is what Hume Lake is for me. Every single time I hear it, I cringe and feel nauseous. Many good things took place there, but the overwhelming trouble and hardship that came as a result of that place is only what I seem to ever associate with that place. I know that I am over what happened that because it was used to break me in many ways that were necessary and that I am utterly thankful for. The only problem is that I do not want to relive the past. What happened is over and done with and things are different. So many things have changed in my life, and by the grace of God, for the better. I pray that each day I humble myself so that God does not do it for me. I always pray for continued growth and faith in Christ so that I may never have to be brought to a place as last year....

Wow

I cannot believe that everything is almost finished with my transition in life. I have successfully left Santa Clarita and have dragged my possessions to a storage unit up in nor cal. I officially am supposed to start my job a week from today. I have yet to find an apartment and will soon not have a place to stay, but none of that really matters. God has blessed me to a ridiculous, undeserving degree, and I pray that I am more appreciative than I even am now of it. I truly am speechless still by how gracious He has been to me to facilitate all these events in my life. God's plan for me is much greater than I can ever dream, which gives me a great deal of comfort and solace knowing. Ah, the joy of a life spent serving the Father!

A new chapter

I am about to close the door on life in LA. I am moving away to where I feel God wants me. He opened this door for me in such a gracious way, that I feel this must be what He wants. It is really interesting how things change in a person's life. People seem to just come and go, like the passing of seasons. I am still wondering what people in my life are permanent. I know that within the next year even more people will get weeded out of my friend zone, just to be labelled another acquaintance. There is nothing wrong with that. I am only turning 22 soon, but I am done wasting my time. The days and months are moving at a rapid pace; therefore, I am going to enjoy them with the people that are willing to invest their precious time into my life. There are so many thoughts flooding my mind and even more emotions flooding my heart. I pray for continued guidance in this confusing and torn up world. God's will is most likely unlike anything I can imagine. I shall not question it but be obedient. I hope I always am......

A swaying tree

For two months I have been thankfully employed during a time where a job can be difficult to come by. I am very blessed to have this job, but I have now run into a problem. I am constantly working or travelling or running errands that I haven't had time to take a day and fully relax in over a month. Even if I am not at work, I am stilling running around doing things. By all means, I am enjoying doing these things and really am having fun, but the problem is is that it is far from relaxing. I keep getting more and more burned out and feel more and more exhausted every day. I am sure that my body will soon enough just give out on me just to show me that I really do need to rest and take it easy every once in awhile. By the grace of God am I fully able to function as well as have enough strength and energy to keep on going day in and day out. His provisions are amazing. I really am a weak and fragile tree swaying underneath the weight of His love and mercy!

Words without action

I wish more people would live their lives with fewer words and greater, more meaningful actions. God could have said He was sending His Son for us, but the fact that Christ dwelt among us on the earth and died for our sins on the cross has a much greater power than words could ever have. It also gives credibility to any future words and potential actions that might be taken by an individuals. Too many people are throwing words around. With the exception of few individuals, words are an indifferent method of communication to me because they almost, without fail, are not acted upon and carried out. I wouldn't have minded growing up mute because then there would be less room for hypocrisy....

"Little children, let us not love in word or talk, but in deed and in truth!" ~1 John 3:18

A smile on my face

I cannot help but sit here and smile when I think about the place I am at in life right now. The changes in my life have been genuinely brought about by God alone, and yet I have so much further to go. I strive for godliness everyday, day in and day out. I always been blessed, but by letting God direct me and utterly control every dot and tittle of my life has brought about blessings that I never thought possible. I continually pray for a boldness that I have never had before to make sure that when someone comments on my 180 turn in life that I can ultimately point it back to God. I have a much greater passion than ever before for my God and my Savior and for everyone to share the passion that I carry. I finally have a small idea of what Francis Chan feels for the lost and unsaved. I want my passion to continue to grow and flourish through my every being. I wish that I could just spread my passion through osmosis by the shaking of a hand. I want to lovingly smack people over the head and shed tears as I describe the greatness and glory of my God........my Father! I literally stand in awe at times when thinking about how undeserving I am of this grace and lovingkindness. I look forward to the day that I have kids to share with them this passion. I look forward to one day having a wife to guide in the ways of Christ as well. I pray to continually grow as a godly man and to never bring the ones around me down if I were to ever stray from the path. I pray that I man never forget what truly matters in life. May nothing diminish this hope and love for my Father!

Tears from the Spirit

Tonight was a very interesting night. I had a conversation that seemed to be like normal until I find out about a fellow brother in Christ acting shady. Of course, when I get passionate about something it becomes quite apparent because my whole demeanor changes dramatically. Immediately I start going off about this guy and how it upsets me to hear about a brother acting in the manner that he did. I get so frustrated when I see or hear about members of Christ doing things that are completely not above reproach and are actually quite uncool and damaging to a person's testimony. We are brothers and sisters in Christ for a reason: we are a family. Yet, despite this all we end up doing is attacking each other and giving the world, that already dislikes us, reason to mock us and put our sins and errors on display for the rest of the world to look down upon us at.

I proceeded to then rant about this topic for the next ten minutes. What happened next is the start of a new topic which started by the person saying "wow, you have done a totally 180 from last year". I most definitely know that I have and that the only reason is because God loved me enough to break me to the point where I fully let Him control me life in its entirety, which freed me from worry and helped me grow spiritually mature as the days progress. I explained all of this and then started to talk about how I want to encourage others and get them to see the understanding and zeal that I possess. I then brought up my family as well in talking about that desire and, when that happened, my eyes welled with tears. I cannot remember when I cared about someone or a group of someones spiritual life that I was on the verge of tears. God has so graciously given me a love for my family and for the lost that I never truly feel I ever had: the desire for them to know the Father and the peace and security that I have. I am so much more aware that God continually is changing this little man to do something that only He knows the full extent of. I am excited to be a vessel for Him and follow His will. I pray, and hope others pray, that I really do follow God's will despite where it will lead me or what will happen as a result of it. God is faithful and I want others to see that by having it pour forth from my life and testimony. I look forward to the future that God has planned for me!

"Your love never fails....."

Gifts......the best kind!

I am a person of thought, and by that I mean I analyze almost everything that occurs in my life, both big and small. I believe that I have come to a realization about the changes in my life that have occurred since the summer. I know that I will never fully understand why God decides to do all the things in my life that He has done for me. I do feel like I have somewhat of a grasp on the past couple of years and the emotional roller coaster that I have been on up until the past several months. I truly believe that things like deaths of close relatives, rejection from medical schools, and heartbreaks and failed friendships have all taken place for God to wake up a miserable, loathsome, pessimistic, cynical, bitter young boy and place him on the path of godliness and righteousness.

I feel like God used the circumstances in my life to bring out what I feel more and more everyday is a spiritual gift in my life: exhortation. Replaying events in my life has helped me realize that I need to be fully and whole-heartedly broken in every aspect of life before I would cry out to my Father and have Him not only heal me, but change me in a way that I hope I never stray from. I am able to empathize in many situations, and with that not only listen to the person, but encourage them and point them back to the cross and the love/faithfulness of God and the hope that is found only in Him.

Life is not supposed to be easy. Life is not meant to be lived for yourself or for others for that matter. Life is only worth living if it is spent serving the Creator that made you. All other ways of life result in futility.

Am I saying that my life is all peaches and cream? Heck, no! The thing is that I really do not have too many worries anymore and am enjoying life much more to its fullest by giving it all over to God. He will get me into medical school in His timing. He will provide a place for me to live after next month. He will provide a wonderful, godly wife and the blessing of children. He has given me so much, and yet He has so much left to bless me with. The blessing and joys of life in Christ.......enough said!

Where I live

I have come to a point in life where for once I am content with all of the circumstances and situations that I find myself in. I will start working soon, which is a blessing from God, I most likely have to reapply to med school in a couple of months, and I only have a couple of months left in the apartment I am currently in before I have no place to live. These aspects of my life are not what I truly need to focus on because they will all be handled by a loving Father that I am so thankful for.

I do have to say that I am excited to move. I really pray that my next living scenario brings in people that will be more than just roommates and people to live with who pay the rent. I want to live with people that will challenge me, encourage me, and most definitely keep me accountable for things. My current living situation is quite the opposite. I come and go as I please with no one taking a meaningful approach to delve into anyone's life. As long as I pay my part of the rent, then it does not matter where I am at or what I am doing. I know that I am not getting myself into trouble or anything, but it would be nice to have real relationships with the people that see me the most everyday and see where I sin and fail and need to grow. I truly hope God puts great brothers in my life this next time around. This is my prayer.....

Miracles

I truly believe that God can perform miracles because I am positive that the 180 degree turn that I have made in my own life in a relatively short period of time is a great testimony of it! I have been following Christ for years now, but I now know what I can attest to this transformation in my life: from the bitter, cynical, pessimistic, angry, despairing, person into a hoping, optimistic, encouraging, God-fearing, trusting, gentle godly man. The only change that I have made in my life, which I have come to realize is the ultimate change, is fully and whole-heartedly submitting to Christ and the will that God has for me and my life. I was so foolish to think that my life is my own and God can just play a role in it. Far be it from that truth that that truly is. I have no worries or anxiety in my life anymore. In less than two months I won't have a place to live, might no have a job, and might not have even been accepted into medical school, but that does not matter to me. God is more than faithful to provide whatever He sees necessary to sustain my life. That is more than enough of a reassurance in my life. I am so grateful for how far I have come in changing and how I have such a passion to strive and pursue godliness and being above reproach.

Ah, words cannot express the strong feelings of gratitude and love that I have for my Father. He alone deserves the glory and praise for the transformations in my life. Thinking about the last year leaves me baffled as to how I could have been so blind and lost in trying to keep God in the passenger seat of my life. That has all changed now. I am excited for what God is doing in my life, as well as the people and circumstances that He keeps bringing in. The future is very uncertain, but God is the God of eternity and His faithfulness and grace know no boundaries. I really hope my life will be a testimony of Christ and the power He has to truly change the hearts of people. I pray people will see a new joy in my life and that it will give me an opportunity to express with them what is on my heart. Thank you for Your love and kindness. Thank You for never abandoning me....

Future worries, or lack thereof.....

The future is not something that I care too much about anymore. I have come to realize and accept that worrying about the future and making sure every little detail of my life is planned out only ends in frustration and futility. As of now, I have not been accepted into any medical school, and that is totally fine with me. I have no problem waiting to get into school because I am positive that God will get me in when He wants me in, and that He would not have given me this passion for medicine if He did not intend for me to use it eventually. I very might have a job soon, which is going to help end the monotony of life. Things are definitely on the up and up in my life, and I knew that I had to hit a very low point months ago for myself to be brought up to this place where I am now. I serve a faithful and loving God, and the support from my friends and family have been overwhelming.

The concept of living life to its fullest and living a life abundantly has really helped in coming to terms with things. I am trying to live life in light of the future. I mean, I want to look back at my life and know that I utilized all the blessings that I have been given. I am trying to take advantage of the situations and circumstances as they arise everyday and confront them head on, despite whether it might make me uncomfortable or nervous. There really is no point because everything truly happens for a reason. Life really does get more enjoyable living it being reassured that God really does have everything in control. I wish I could have become this optimistic years ago, but God knows that I am stubborn and always have to learn things the hard way. Thanks for staying with me and never giving up on me......

Home...

Yet again I have decided to come home. I find it interesting that the sole purpose that I keep coming home is to ultimately keep getting more and more ink done on my tattoos. I always talk to my tattoo artist to make sure he is going to be free and in town before I even book the tickets to come back. Everyone that truly could claim to know me why I never want to return home if I could help it, but that is a different topic for a different time. I always appreciate coming home to the most loving, caring, sincere friends that a person could ask for. I feel like there is no guard up when I am around them. They are the few people that have seen me hit bottom emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and yet they are the ones that show me the most interest in my life and treat me almost how I would envision members of a non-dysfunctional family would treat each other. I love my real family and would really do anything for them, but, for the most part, we deal better thousands of miles apart, with the exception of the brother that has been a blessing having in somewhat close proximity to me. Getting older and older is causing my friends and I to keep moving further in terms of distance, yet closer to terms of endearment. I hope that never changes....

Encouragement

It has been interesting to see how much has changed in my life, especially in the past two months. God has literally brought me to my breaking point not too long ago. I have never been in such a position as this one. Through it, God has brought a great deal of resolve in my life, as well as support, encouragement, and accountability. I have noticed that my overall demeanor is changing, and much for the better. I am not nearly as pessimistic as I used to be. I do not go around with such a downtrodden, melancholy, despised manner. Everything is going to be more than sufficient in my different aspects of my life: medical school, a job, a place to live, and the list goes on and on. I truly feel like one of my gifts is the ability to have compassion for people as well as empathize and have a standing ground to be able to talk to them. I know that God will use this in my future profession to be able to talk to patients with their own problems in life. It is always helpful to talk to someone that has been in your position before but has pushed through and persevered. I am excited to be this kind of person. I anticipate the future......

Musings

I know that things are different in my life to a great extent. It is difficult, but I enjoy being more open with people about how I am feeling in life. It has helped me resolve a many issues that I have had with many close friends and acquaintances. It has also helped me realize that I fail so often in so many ways without realizing it. Time after time I utterly screw up something to someone. Thankfully, God has been gracious with this person to have him remain a great friend of mine and still put up with the reoccurring drama that ever so floods my life.

I have no idea as to where the next couple of months will take me. Medical school is still of the utmost uncertainty. I have no idea where I will be living or as to what I will be doing. In all honesty, I am not worried. I am trying my best to trust in God and to what His will is in my life. If I do not get into medical school immediately, I know that I have an immense desire in my heart to be in the medical field somehow, and that I do not have this desire for no reason.

I am trying my best right now to guard my own heart. I will never forget what happened in the past, but the experiences were all necessary and any wrongs were forgiven and amends were made. I have a totally different attitude this time around. I will not let myself get abused, pushed around, or walked all over. My convictions are strong and I have expressed them as well as my concerns and doubts. Doubts and skepticism are healthy right now because it helps prevent me from jumping into anything or hopefully making any foolhardy decision based upon temporal emotions in m life. Things are different in my life, and I want to make sure that those things are also reciprocally different in yours, too! Only God know what he has in store for us. I am just going to trust in His sovereignty and pray that he remains the focus and center this time. It is not about us and never was. It is about Him. Period. End of discussion. I am grateful for the protection and concern from my loved ones because they have every right to be. That aside, it is ultimately my decision and my heart that is on the line. I hope you realize that this truly entails the two of us and neglect to focus and the opinions and gossiping of others. I believe you have changed, but only time will tell. God, let things be different this time.........please.......

Changes

I cannot even begin to describe the changes that have occurred in my life in the past five months. God has been very gracious to me in so many ways. I will always be the nice guy that lends a helping hand or a listening ear to a friend or loved one. However, I am truly beginning to find my voice. I have been burned to such a great extent in the past that I guess that was the only way for me to learn that it is more important for me to stick up for my convictions and for what is right rather than try to appease everyone just because I don't want to hurt their feelings with the cold, bitter truth. The truth really does set people free. My experiences have taught me that well. I pray that God works upon my stubbornness because it would be nice to learn from the wisdom and council of others for once rather than experiencing it firsthand. Thankfully, God is awesome either way, so that is more than enough comfort and reassurance. I am also no longer worried about the future. Medical school, for instance, is not the most important thing in the world. I have an amazing God and awesome friends and family that love and care for me. If I am supposed to be a doctor, God will enable it to happen at His timing.

I have learned to take things slowly in life. Jumping into something is not necessarily the best way to go about doing things. I am glad that things are different now. There is no veil of sunshine and puppy dogs there anymore. All that is left is reality and life. We know each others faults and sins. We know how to pray for each other and encourage each other. The basis and platform where each of us stands is fully understood, so there are no shocks or surprises. Most people might not approve of my actions, but it is because they never want me to be as crushed, hurt, and walked on as last time. A great friend told me, though, that it is much more worth it to risk being hurt again than to shut myself up from those emotions and experiences. My heart has softened greatly, which is a testimony of how God truly works in people's lives. It will be interesting to see where the next couple of months take us, but I am not afraid. God's love and grace is all sufficient for whatever the rest of my life stores......

"Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and he will say, 'Here I am.' ~ Isaiah 58:9a

The First Step

Taking the initiative in getting something started is always the hardest part. Whether the task at hand is the introduction to a paper, an application to medical school, or a resume for a job, having the motivation to start something that is usually tedious and cumbersome is very difficult. Yet again in my life do I find myself at one of these starting points. This is probably one of the most difficult and humbling things that I have ever taken on in my life, but, unfortunately, it is a necessity and pivotal to grow and flourish in my aspects. Quite honestly I am very anxious and nervous about taking this first step. I know that it has to be done, but I just know all of the stress and emotional weight that it will place upon me. I wish that I did not have to start this by myself. I know that God is my strength and my light, but it is always nice to have that physical support and encouragement, too! My friends and family are with me every step of the way, and they have been more than supportive and compassionate during this journey. I am very thankful for them, but I wish that they were here right now......God, please give me strength and peace.....

Israel!

I have to say that Israel was a blast! There was just so much to experience and take in that I was so blessed to have gone on the trip. I cannot express how different the sites were from what I perceived them to be in my mind. I hope that reading through the Bible now will be different in the sense that I can at least attribute a visual to many of the places that are mentioned. The trip started off weird and awkward, but overall ended very well. There was nothing really bad about the trip. The only part about the trip that I really did not appreciate was the flying itself. Then again, flying is one of my biggest pet peeves, so there is no surprise there.

I find myself somewhat stir crazy already after being in the states for less than 30 hours. I want to go and travel the world and see all that it has to offer. Instead, I am a poor college graduate looking for a job living in a place that means nothing in a city that means nothing in a state that I find boring and redundant. I have a sense of adventure that I long to exploit and utilize. Even starting medical school would be more advantageous than my current position. Hopefully I can try and visit some of the places in the U.S. that are nearby my present living accommodation. I have to do something. I cannot just sit back anymore and let life pass me by. A conversation today has helped me realize that going all out and going balls to the wall is the only way to really experience life.......so here goes nothing!