Tis the season

I was just referred to today as being very anti-holiday. The response that I have to that is, yeah so what? It is not the fact that I am against the holidays. They are all fine and dandy in their own way. It all comes down to me being ever more apathetic toward the holidays. Frankly, I am beginning to realize how unnecessary it is to dedicate one day out of the year to something. I am all for the birth of Christ, His death and resurrection, and the giving of thanks, but why just celebrate them on that single day? Is our country that pitiful and pathetic that it takes these days for us to remember such important events or concepts? I have the right to formulate and express my opinion, which I rarely do express but definitely do put a lot of time and thought into developing them. If I want to treat the holidays as just another day off to me, well then that is by all means fine with me and should be acceptable by everyone else. That just brings me back to the sad reality of our world today that most people regard their opinions as fact or as being revealed to them by God as the only means acceptable at looking at something. People are getting more and more on my nerves in general, which is starting to lead to a complete frustration with people in general. There are a handful that defy the way that the society seems to be going, which I am glad to have as good friends. Outside of those people, all other people, so it seems, are just one ultimate frustration and bother. Unfortunately I have to interact with people everyday. With the state of people, is it any surprise that I am so reserved?!

Almost there!

I have neglected so much this semester to do, even though by now I should have no homework and be doing nothing but playing video games for hours each day. I have three papers, three tests, and an interview all do in less than four weeks. That does not mention the work that I have to do for the classes that I am actually in class for. I only blame myself for the state that I am in. For once I procrastinated and have learned why I have never done so in the past. Thankfully, God has been gracious to me and has given me the strength and energy to keep going with what I find to tedious and tiresome. I am not sure where the motivation came from to press-on, except to say it is from God. His faithfulness is shown to me day after day, yet I too often neglect to give Him the thanks He deserves. I look forward to reaching the end of this semester and moving on to the next chapter in life. Whether that is getting a job or sitting in my apartment all day watching movie, I am almost out of Master's. Goodbye hypocrites, fake friends, and people who look down upon me. Goodbye "brothers and sisters" who tore me down and judged me through their legalistic lenses. No more pretending to be nice to people just because I interact with them everyday. I will finally be able to keep the friends that are truly friends and are worth the time and investment.......if there were any real ones to begin with.......

Roommates, friendships, and the like....

Due to the fact that I drank three cups of coffee at dinner tonight and had about 20 packets of sugar between the three cups, I am very awake right now. Also, all my roommates are sleeping and no one else is really awake to talk to, so I find myself thinking.....which is not a first for me. I have been thinking about my roommates and living out here in cali. The whole time the plans were being arranged for living together, I was stoked out of my mind. I would be living off campus, away from the bubble, and with some very solid guys. Little did I know what the living situation would turn out to be. My roommates just seem to be people that co-inhabit the save living quarters as I do and remind me of mannequins except with voices. All of us seem to stick to our own little worlds. We all do out own thing and seem to stay out of each other's way and each other's lives, more often than not at least. I feel like I am living with strangers. It has taken the fun out of living off campus. Sometimes I feel it would be better to just live by myself because that is almost what it feels like already.

I have only 4 weeks left until I am done with college and Masters. At this rate, Masters will be just a thing of the past, along with virtually all the people that I met there. They don't accept me for the way I am. They are only concerned with themselves and what is convenient to them. Once you move off campus, you realize that just about all the people you know there are too lazy to come visit you, despite how many times you have gone to them. Convenience should not be what defines a friendship. You should not be friends with someone just because it fits in your schedule and is easy for you. The truest friends that I know for sure that I have are the ones that I grew up with. They let me call them at any our of the day to complain, rant about something, or calm me down.....but most importantly, it happens both ways. I am honored to be woken up from someone because they had a hard time with something, or were overjoyed about something. I am committed in a friendship, and they are the only ones that seem to reciprocate that friendship back to me.

People at Master's should take a class about friendship or sit through a chapel on one, anything to wake them up to being so self-centered when it comes to friendship. I know I have very selfish tendencies, but at least I know what a true friend is. Most people would never know that because they see the kid wearing tight yellow pants and black hair and run screaming the other way. The few that talk to me only do just that, talk. There is no commitment or lasting element of friendship there. It is all just a charade. I actually long for the days of high school again when I had less cares and were able to hang out with the people that truly mattered in my life. Soon I won't have to put on the happy face anymore to people out here and finally act like we never met, which is the way they seem to want things through their actions. People always wonder why I have such a pessimistic view on people. Well, I am not one known for sugar coating things, and when it comes down to it, people suck! End of story....except for the ones that truly matter in my life. They known who they are, even though most of them will never read this. Thank you for being a real, honest, loving friend in my life. You all have made an impact on my life and continue to do so. I pray that our friendships will never end. You are more than friends. You are family, and I mean that oh so much (yes, I just said oh so much). I may not believe in the concept of love really, but the care and affection I have for you all comes from the utmost depths of my heart!

A taste of the "American dream"

I never really realized until tonight how privileged I am as a person. I ended up going to a restaurant where a meal for one person costs more than people spend a month on their car insurance or electric bill. I have always focused on the negative things in life. I truly am either a pessimist or a realist when it comes down to it all. No matter what, I can pick out what is unfortunate in a situation despite how good the circumstances may be. At the restaurant, I was exposed to a food quality that almost none of my friends will ever experience, yet again are too unsophisticated to truly understand what would be served to them anyways, with a slight exception of a few. My arrogance enjoys the fact that I was eating with people that spend more in a month than my college tuition costs me in a year and was able to feel like I was a somebody. The manner of respect I was given was above what most of my fellow peers gives me. I find it truly disheartening that money and affluence seems to bring respect in this society. What ever happened to respecting a person for their good manners, compassion, or intelligence? Will becoming a doctor be the only way people treat me with a manner of decency?

Suffice it to say, I had a taste of the high-life tonight and realized that is not what I want to be a part of. Outside the phenomenal quality of food I indulged in, the atmosphere made me realize that I am glad that I never grew up in the upper class life. I know that I have more than most people could ask for and am very well off. I am very unappreciative of what I have, but at least I know that even though I need to improve, I have the potential to have an attitude much worse than I already have. I hope I start to focus on the blessings that I have. It gets tiring constantly expecting the worst in life. Yet that is still one area which God is going to take a miracle to change in me. At least my reclusiveness prevents others from being exposed and hindered from the bitterness that is in my heart but which I hide so well. Haha, the irony of finding a cynical optimism in my pessimism. I do take pride in being such a unique individual. Thankfully, no one truly understands me because that would take away being unique, and who would want to be just another person lost in the crowd....

Growth

I am a person that would spend the rest of my life living in my comfort zone if possible; doing only the things that have no worries, no cares, no fears or anxiety. This, however, is a very cowardice approach to life and is something that I am very thankful to be in the process of trying to change, with God's help that is. My convictions have been growing in their ferocity in my life to follow them and adhere to them. They are bringing me out of the safety bubble that I have been in for far too long. It is definitely a difficult process because every part of my being wants to stay where I feel safe and comfortable. Life was not intended to be lived for comfort and solace. Titus states explicitly how as a man, I am supposed to act like a man. I have been a kid for far too long. I am in a generation that will soon enough comprise the leaders and elders of the day. If I do not man up now, what kid of generation will grow up after me? A bunch of feminine, comfort-seeking boys? That is unacceptable. The leadership of the men nowadays is no where near where it should be. The words of Titus are long forgotten. Compromise and tolerance have flooded society. Therefore, I know the problems that are prevalent today and am called to address them by being a man myself. It is very difficult, but thankfully God is a God of grace and mercy. He is taking care of me and giving me the strength to grow as a man where I would easily fail without Him. The accountability and male friendship that I have in my life is a great encouragement of my growth as well as it gives great hope to the future. No matter how much I do not want to do something, being a man is more important that living a life in a bubble. Give me strength, God!

One thing leading into another......and another.....

My mind is constantly being flooded by different thoughts rushing in and out; I never have a chance to sort out what is going on in the mess of ideas that overwhelm me. Yesterday was a good chance for me to get out what is on my mind to someone who not only listens but has the same experiences that I have. I have seen how we have grown in so many ways since we have known each other. Despite many conflicts and lows that we have had as friends, you have always been there for me. No one is as emotional as me, but I know that you care and show concern, which is greatly appreciated. Our experiences have given us each very different outcomes. I try to encourage you and uplift you, and you return the same, not out of obligation, but that is because what we are called to do for each other. I enjoy being able to share the things on my heart with you because I know that you let me rant or open myself while you sit idle and take it in.

Through our conversation, combined with my thinking, you have given me a source of accountability----to make sure that I never let myself live such a secular life with another person. I have come to realize that to look past ones flaws and sins is not acceptable if it is going to bring me down with them. I have always been the stronger, more mature, more intelligent person, but I usually give in to compromise way too many times. I wish that I was more open with you from the beginning because you would have spoken out against me knowing what I was getting myself into, but I know now to let you in on my life and not put on a face for you. You may think that you are passive, but you hold me to convictions more so than you realize. I will continue to wear the mask of cynicism and sarcasm because it weeds out so many that are just a waste of my time. My time is more valuable to me now than it ever was, and I am only going to use it on what is worthy of taking it up.

You encourage me to open myself up again, and you are excited for me with what I share with you. I am intrigued about where these next couple of weeks will take each of us. I know you are praying for me, as I am for you. Despite anything that happens in my life, I always want others to be happy, especially since that is something that gives me a temporal happiness. I like to feel what others are feeling. Maybe that is why I am such a good listener because I actually have a heart and care for others with a compassionate soul, unlike the robotic pharisees that roam the streets....and I unfortunately have to interact with. I am not ashamed for having emotions and using them. It is what separates me from almost everyone else.....and I am proud to be unique!