Same old story

I sit in and can't help but think of so many things. I have come to feel like an outsider where I live. I never have come close to feeling like I fit in where I am currently at, which I have never minded at all, but now I just have the desire for something more. I go through the motions day after day and just feel like it all ends in futility. I feel like that no matter what I accomplish I have no sense of worth of the day. I could work on homework for 6 hours straight, go for a 20 mile bike ride, or fill out a ridiculous amount of applications, and yet I still feel like no matter what I do there is ultimately no point. Technically, I am supposed to do all for the glory of God, but for some reason I cannot justify to myself that what I have done with my day matters in anyway, shape or form. I find myself asking the question that most people struggle with, and that causes more strife and confusion than anything--Why? Why do I do the things I do? Why do I feel like that my life has utterly been a waste? Why do I feel that everything I have ever done has all been in vain? Why....why.....why?

The contrast to these "why" questions is the thought process that leaves me with answers that I know but struggle with believing. I feel like I know to a great extent how all my problems can be solved and how I can be at peace once again, yet putting those things into practice and believing that they are true in my heart are just something I am not really sure about. My heart keeps fighting me for all the things it wants, when my brain knows not what I want but what I need. If only there was some way to reconcile these differences. Encouragement is something that I have been lacking for so long that when I finally get it, I respond with bitterness, sarcasm, cynicism or pessimism. I know that I am a product of my culture and my life, so I guess what I really need is to get out of my current position and find a new life to lead, a fresh start......

Just a fly....

I have come to live my life in the shadows watching everything as it passes by me. I know this life is temporal, these feelings are temporal, and so is this body, so most people with these thoughts would try and live life like there is no tomorrow because the end comes closer with every passing moment. Instead, I have come to be a fly upon the wall of life. I would rather watch everything pass me by and seldom take part in something unless the pros of it outweigh the cons, which there are usually many. It is so much easier to distance myself from everything living in an apartment, away from the hub of the college. Even with three roommates, all it takes is for me to put on my headphones and the world as I know it becomes solely about me--what I am feeling, what I am thinking....and I am always thinking. There is technically no such thing as spontaneity with me. I have thought it all out before. Something may be purveyed as random and eccentric, but even in that split second before the action is carried out, the decision was thought about in my rapid-firing nerve-filled mind. Therefore, my thinking has led me to shy away from the world in terms of who I am really am. No one will ever know the real me because I still have yet to understand what that really means.....

I am in the process of whittling down the people in my life. I have grown tired of dealing with so many people that I will find out who really matters and who is just a waste of my time. Time truly is a precious thing to waste, and if someone is going to waste mine, I would sooner give up on them and pursue reading a book, playing a video game, or just sitting on my bed with my headphones on oblivious to those around me. I am constantly watching and taking everything in, processing it. I know that I have a mediocre amount of common sense, but what I lack there, I more than make up for in my ability to think and process my surroundings and the world around me. I truly wish that people remembered what it is like to think for themselves and not become a copy or mold of society or what their friends tell them to be. I refuse to conform to anything because I am determined to remain me, with my personality, emotions, and convictions, all thought out and fully understood. No matter how much progress is made in terms of technology and science and what not, I feel that society is on a regression in terms of the ability to think. Most of the people I know have lost this ability, and I have found are not worth it to have a meaningful, deep conversation with. I don't care how arrogant I might come across as because if I spawned someone to truly think of the dismal situation that thinking is in right now then I have served my purpose. The only good thing about this current time is that due to technology I can remain just a fly among the wall watching the pigs wallow in their own filth.......

Thanks...

For all the times that you have given me advice that I have never listened to, I finally decided to internalize and follow through on one of the most important things you ever told me to do. I have never been so humbled before in doing this, but it needed to be done. I greatly appreciate all the times that you have helped me as well as listened to my incessant rants and bellows. You have been a great influence in my life despite anything that has happened between us. For once, someone told me what I needed to do, and for once I am truly glad that I listened. I would not like to think of where I would be right now if God had not put you in my life. You may not realize it, but our conversations and interactions have helped shape me in a way that you will truly never realize. It is honor to know you and a pleasure to be able to have someone that tells me the truth and gives me tough love whether you think it will stick with me or not. I have matured greatly as time progresses and am glad that you have seen that me and help facilitate further growth as much as possible. There is so much that I can say, but nothing else really needs to be said. All in all.......thanks......

Escape

I find it interesting that my whole life has always been spent trying to escape from something. I used video games to escape for my depressing childhood as a fat kid. I used friends and school to escape from my family. I chose to go to school in California to ultimately get away from my family. Cali is my escape from all the worries, problems, and anxiety that a dysfunctional family bring about. After spending over three years here, I am in search of another escape. I want to start a new chapter in my life. I do not care about all of the good things that have happened in my life while being here because they are all outweighed by my major focus on the negative. I despise this state to some extent now. There are too many reminders of all the things that I want to forget about and leave in the past, which is where they belong. Cali is where I was when my grandpa died, when my little sister went to jail, when my dog died (could really care less about this one) and where my heart was shattered and walls built up in its place. My escape from IL has led me now to needing another escape. I need a place to start making new memories that are free of torment, drama, and pessimism. I want to leave so bad, but am trapped here in this cage.

Do I have any regrets coming out here to Cali? None at all. Experience seems to be the only way that God enabled me to learn things through my stubbornness and pride. Therefore, I got everything that I deserve for not listening to the wisdom of others. "I told you so" has been a phrase that has been pushed in my face and stained in my ears. For as smart as I think that I can be, I have realized that I am nothing more than a fool. What good is a brain when I do not even use it? Seeing as how I have locked my heart away for no one to be able to get to again, I hope to let my brain run rampant and control my life. Thinking should keep me safe. Thinking should prevent me from being foolish again. I need to listen to my brain and shut off my emotions. The heart is a useless organ of emotion that should only serve to sustain this being that is called life.

The process of hiding my heart from the world has served harder than I thought it would be. As time progresses, I hope to succeed in the endeavor....

Why?

I am so weary and tired from waking up every morning in the same dismal state. I have come to realize that I have utterly lost the joy in my heart. I have not felt a joy in many, many years. Happiness is a temporal state of feeling. The problem is that I keep looking for happiness in all of the wrong places. Whether it be people, toys, music, entertainment, they are all a vain pursuit to give my life something that it seems to be missing. I know that Christ is supposed to be my all and my everything and nothing else will be needed, but I have lost sight of the joy and peace that He gives me. I have become one of the best liars that I know. I walk around in this life with the face of contentment and carelessness, as if nothing in this world has any bearing on how I feel. The truth is that I am constantly being eaten away by all the different anxieties and worries and pain of this world. I do not feel like fighting it anymore. It is such a hard fight that I seem to be losing. I know that with God in my life, the fight will be won and the war was won a long time ago. The problem is that I have such a hard time in trusting the supremacy and righteousness of God. I feel like I am an ant sometimes and that He is putting that magnifying glass high over my head. I know that this is so far from the truth, but yet I feel empty.

I feel like I am constantly being tossed aside by everyone that I thought was there for me. The people that seem to harm me the most are also the people that are supposed to be my greatest encouragement and sharpen me like iron--my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I feel that most have abandoned me, not all, but most that claimed to care for me. I feel hurt and depressed that the people that once were there for me show genuine interest. After all of my pleading and asking for encouragement and help, I am neglected and cast aside like a used diaper: soiled, stained, ugly. I want that sense of being wanted and appreciated again. I want to feel like I am not alone in this. God has being doing so many things in my life to change me, but where is the encouragement? Where is the care and concern? Why do people only seem to care when you have hit rock bottom? Why.......?

Being friends....

It was really weird for me to talk to you in person today over the phone. Seeing as how it has been two months since we had verbal communication, I was a bit taken aback by it all. I hope that the conversation was fruitful in that any bitterness or anger that I had will diminish now completely. What can I say about my reaction? For some reason I have the hardest time not beating myself over the foolishness that ruled my life all of the summer and last semester. I thought I had everything figured out in life as to what my future seemed to be and where I was going. I had no right to be so bitter and angry against you. We both were not ready for the circumstances that followed from our first interaction. We were both caught up in each other that we lost sight of so many more important things that mattered. Our convictions were different and so were our views on many important things in life. I apologized for treating you the way I did. I felt entitled to do so, but that makes me no better than the way in which you ended things with me. I hope that today would be the start of normalcy between us, especially since there will be ensured further interaction between the two of us. I guess I still have a lot of growing up to do from here on out. I pray that I take this time being single to focus on the many problems in my life and truly seek following God and being the man He wants me to be!

Trapped

Again I have been forced inside this box. I am lonely, yet this scenario is all too familiar. Why have you locked me inside again? Why does this happen so frequently. I know from experience to not struggle. The more I panic and fight the state of anxiety, the quicker my oxygen supply diminishes. Futility best describes the current reality of my situation. I know that there is nothing I can do. It is all too apparent that this predicament is just temporary; well, that is at least what I am telling myself to avoid slipping into insanity. The silence is deafening. Why have I been thrown in isolation with these walls of steel surrounding me? My thoughts, emotions, and depravity are all that I am left with. I know that I do not deserve this neglect and torment, but that is the only way that I am ever dealt with. I am too easily cast aside like the chewing gum that has lost its flavor from the withering of time. This time alone is not good for me. I was never meant to be solely by myself. The creation of my being means so much more. I am not finished fulfilling my purpose and most likely will never be given the chance. For too long have I been free to bask in my satisfaction and sincerity. Oh how I have taken for granted all those opportunities of living and finding meaning for my purpose. I am too important to be thrown aside like this. Why can't it be shown what the detriment of casting me aside really is?

The weight of everything has been accumulated for so long now. I know that this prison will not solve anything. All I need is another chance to prove myself and my worth. That mindset will not help further the process of escaping. Escape is unrealistic because I have never been able to before no matter how much effort and strength are implored in doing so. Patience is what I ultimately require in this dire situation, but I wish to be saved instead. In due time I hope to be let out again, but hope seems to be fading as the timeline of my existence dwindles like the last flicker of a candle before being extinguished. This solitude is only what I can endure. The walls are too fortified for anyone to be let inside or to deliver me. Gloom and despair are on the forefront of the assault of negativity. If only I was given the encouragement while I was still free. If only someone stole me away before being locked up then surely I would have never been in this captivity. I have been beaten, battered, and abused for the last time, so maybe this box is my chance to heal again and become whole. Maybe it is wishful thinking that will help me persevere....or maybe it is just a way I am coping with this all by believing in what I know all too well as lies. Here I lie in waiting for what happens next.....

What has love become?

Words have utterly become meaningless. They only seem to portray the disgusting perverted actions that we now associate with the once fruitful and pleasurable. A glimpse into the soul might just reveal that the pleasure that everyone searches for is always self-seeking and will live out life in a hopeless quest for that pleasure. The problem with this is that the pleasure is all in vain. It is a brief spark of bliss that is crushed by the rooted sinister and dark hatred and envy that lies buried within every human being. Is good really a concept that can be grasped by fallen finite beings? Love is supposedly the ultimate pure and good emotion that can be felt by humans. It has become so stepped on, beaten, and abused that the word itself no longer comprehends what the really meaning is anymore. The whole concept of love was taken by us fallen beings and distorted into a concept of spontaneous good feeling. That is not what love was supposed to be. God is letting us wallow in the filthiness of the way we portray love to each other. What He intended for love has become a mockery in His sight. The selfless giving of oneself is no longer encountered. What may appear to be love is just a front put on with a hidden agenda behind it. Otherwise, it is said from emotion with no real thought put behind it. People use the same word love to express their utmost feeling to another human being just as they would for the new box office hit. Love is therefore a bottomless pit of hypocrisy and is tarnished by any human that utters this once powerful statement from their lips. Thought is what needs to be used when it comes to love. People never really think of what the words means in its entirety. Instead, they go with a spontaneous pleasant feeling and mistake it for love. They base the whole concept off of their current emotional state and disregard any thought or intellect. Society has ruined love. Love will never truly have meaning outside of the love that God has shown to us. That is true love. Our simple minds will never appreciate the truth of what love really is. Instead, love will continue to be ridiculed and insulted. Will no one stand up for love…..or will we just sit in silence, watching it all take place, but willingly let it happen?

Pervading darkness

I closed the door and shut my eyes because you turned my joy into pitiful cries.

My heart screams in anguish, but the noise only echoes through the darkness. I slip further and further into despair trying to find a branch to cling to and save me from this nothingness. I realize that there is nothing that will save me. People are nowhere to be found. I am utterly alone and have been falling now for what feels like an eternity. Suddenly I notice a sharp pressure in my chest. I look down to see the pressure is where my heart is. My heart is there but is splintered into pieces. The shattering of my heart causes me to feel nothing. I am no longer human. Humans have feeling and emotion. This void I am in is just a soulless abyss. The more I struggle to free myself, the further I drown. I feel sorrow and bitterness, but these are just emotions that I perceive to feel. Without a heart, all emotions are just false notions.

Anger overwhelms me for the current state I find myself in…..shattered…..broken…..lifeless…..this abyss causes me to contemplate meaning of things. These pursuits for meaning are all in vain. The struggle is too much to bear, and so I abandon this quest. The lack of a functioning heart has not seemed to affect my brain. If anything, thoughts and ideas flood in. Try as I might, the floodgates cannot be closed. The flood is black and empty and washes away all hope and light. The light can no longer be found…….it has actually been longer than I can recall as to when I last saw the light. I was too busy swimming in the ensuing floodwaters to realize that the light was dwindling. Caught up in the false promises and pleasure that the flood promised I lost my sight. People warned me that the flood was dangerous. I was told as to how it would ruin me. I dismissed these people in vain pursuit of something to complete me. I was in desperate need of something. What that something was, I was never really sure. I never found what I was looking for.....

The advice I failed to take heed of led me to my current state. The failure that was bestowed upon me instead struck the finishing blow to an already damaged being. This failure was the pinnacle to my collapse. The state that I was left in brought about a new being. This being is too far damaged to be repaired. Concepts of love, peace, and happiness are all a sham and a lie because I have lost my essence. I have been left as a shell of a human being. This is what I deserved for my ignorance and naivety. Reaping what you sow was exactly what I did. I am learning how to grasp my non-human existence. Until then, I will succumb to the darkness……

The beginning

For a while now, people have been telling me to express myself through many different venues. After much consideration, I have decided to keep this blog as a way to just convey what is on my mind.......so here goes nothing!