Pervading darkness

I closed the door and shut my eyes because you turned my joy into pitiful cries.

My heart screams in anguish, but the noise only echoes through the darkness. I slip further and further into despair trying to find a branch to cling to and save me from this nothingness. I realize that there is nothing that will save me. People are nowhere to be found. I am utterly alone and have been falling now for what feels like an eternity. Suddenly I notice a sharp pressure in my chest. I look down to see the pressure is where my heart is. My heart is there but is splintered into pieces. The shattering of my heart causes me to feel nothing. I am no longer human. Humans have feeling and emotion. This void I am in is just a soulless abyss. The more I struggle to free myself, the further I drown. I feel sorrow and bitterness, but these are just emotions that I perceive to feel. Without a heart, all emotions are just false notions.

Anger overwhelms me for the current state I find myself in…..shattered…..broken…..lifeless…..this abyss causes me to contemplate meaning of things. These pursuits for meaning are all in vain. The struggle is too much to bear, and so I abandon this quest. The lack of a functioning heart has not seemed to affect my brain. If anything, thoughts and ideas flood in. Try as I might, the floodgates cannot be closed. The flood is black and empty and washes away all hope and light. The light can no longer be found…….it has actually been longer than I can recall as to when I last saw the light. I was too busy swimming in the ensuing floodwaters to realize that the light was dwindling. Caught up in the false promises and pleasure that the flood promised I lost my sight. People warned me that the flood was dangerous. I was told as to how it would ruin me. I dismissed these people in vain pursuit of something to complete me. I was in desperate need of something. What that something was, I was never really sure. I never found what I was looking for.....

The advice I failed to take heed of led me to my current state. The failure that was bestowed upon me instead struck the finishing blow to an already damaged being. This failure was the pinnacle to my collapse. The state that I was left in brought about a new being. This being is too far damaged to be repaired. Concepts of love, peace, and happiness are all a sham and a lie because I have lost my essence. I have been left as a shell of a human being. This is what I deserved for my ignorance and naivety. Reaping what you sow was exactly what I did. I am learning how to grasp my non-human existence. Until then, I will succumb to the darkness……