Musings

I know that things are different in my life to a great extent. It is difficult, but I enjoy being more open with people about how I am feeling in life. It has helped me resolve a many issues that I have had with many close friends and acquaintances. It has also helped me realize that I fail so often in so many ways without realizing it. Time after time I utterly screw up something to someone. Thankfully, God has been gracious with this person to have him remain a great friend of mine and still put up with the reoccurring drama that ever so floods my life.

I have no idea as to where the next couple of months will take me. Medical school is still of the utmost uncertainty. I have no idea where I will be living or as to what I will be doing. In all honesty, I am not worried. I am trying my best to trust in God and to what His will is in my life. If I do not get into medical school immediately, I know that I have an immense desire in my heart to be in the medical field somehow, and that I do not have this desire for no reason.

I am trying my best right now to guard my own heart. I will never forget what happened in the past, but the experiences were all necessary and any wrongs were forgiven and amends were made. I have a totally different attitude this time around. I will not let myself get abused, pushed around, or walked all over. My convictions are strong and I have expressed them as well as my concerns and doubts. Doubts and skepticism are healthy right now because it helps prevent me from jumping into anything or hopefully making any foolhardy decision based upon temporal emotions in m life. Things are different in my life, and I want to make sure that those things are also reciprocally different in yours, too! Only God know what he has in store for us. I am just going to trust in His sovereignty and pray that he remains the focus and center this time. It is not about us and never was. It is about Him. Period. End of discussion. I am grateful for the protection and concern from my loved ones because they have every right to be. That aside, it is ultimately my decision and my heart that is on the line. I hope you realize that this truly entails the two of us and neglect to focus and the opinions and gossiping of others. I believe you have changed, but only time will tell. God, let things be different this time.........please.......