Why?

I am so weary and tired from waking up every morning in the same dismal state. I have come to realize that I have utterly lost the joy in my heart. I have not felt a joy in many, many years. Happiness is a temporal state of feeling. The problem is that I keep looking for happiness in all of the wrong places. Whether it be people, toys, music, entertainment, they are all a vain pursuit to give my life something that it seems to be missing. I know that Christ is supposed to be my all and my everything and nothing else will be needed, but I have lost sight of the joy and peace that He gives me. I have become one of the best liars that I know. I walk around in this life with the face of contentment and carelessness, as if nothing in this world has any bearing on how I feel. The truth is that I am constantly being eaten away by all the different anxieties and worries and pain of this world. I do not feel like fighting it anymore. It is such a hard fight that I seem to be losing. I know that with God in my life, the fight will be won and the war was won a long time ago. The problem is that I have such a hard time in trusting the supremacy and righteousness of God. I feel like I am an ant sometimes and that He is putting that magnifying glass high over my head. I know that this is so far from the truth, but yet I feel empty.

I feel like I am constantly being tossed aside by everyone that I thought was there for me. The people that seem to harm me the most are also the people that are supposed to be my greatest encouragement and sharpen me like iron--my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I feel that most have abandoned me, not all, but most that claimed to care for me. I feel hurt and depressed that the people that once were there for me show genuine interest. After all of my pleading and asking for encouragement and help, I am neglected and cast aside like a used diaper: soiled, stained, ugly. I want that sense of being wanted and appreciated again. I want to feel like I am not alone in this. God has being doing so many things in my life to change me, but where is the encouragement? Where is the care and concern? Why do people only seem to care when you have hit rock bottom? Why.......?