Tears from the Spirit

Tonight was a very interesting night. I had a conversation that seemed to be like normal until I find out about a fellow brother in Christ acting shady. Of course, when I get passionate about something it becomes quite apparent because my whole demeanor changes dramatically. Immediately I start going off about this guy and how it upsets me to hear about a brother acting in the manner that he did. I get so frustrated when I see or hear about members of Christ doing things that are completely not above reproach and are actually quite uncool and damaging to a person's testimony. We are brothers and sisters in Christ for a reason: we are a family. Yet, despite this all we end up doing is attacking each other and giving the world, that already dislikes us, reason to mock us and put our sins and errors on display for the rest of the world to look down upon us at.

I proceeded to then rant about this topic for the next ten minutes. What happened next is the start of a new topic which started by the person saying "wow, you have done a totally 180 from last year". I most definitely know that I have and that the only reason is because God loved me enough to break me to the point where I fully let Him control me life in its entirety, which freed me from worry and helped me grow spiritually mature as the days progress. I explained all of this and then started to talk about how I want to encourage others and get them to see the understanding and zeal that I possess. I then brought up my family as well in talking about that desire and, when that happened, my eyes welled with tears. I cannot remember when I cared about someone or a group of someones spiritual life that I was on the verge of tears. God has so graciously given me a love for my family and for the lost that I never truly feel I ever had: the desire for them to know the Father and the peace and security that I have. I am so much more aware that God continually is changing this little man to do something that only He knows the full extent of. I am excited to be a vessel for Him and follow His will. I pray, and hope others pray, that I really do follow God's will despite where it will lead me or what will happen as a result of it. God is faithful and I want others to see that by having it pour forth from my life and testimony. I look forward to the future that God has planned for me!

"Your love never fails....."

Gifts......the best kind!

I am a person of thought, and by that I mean I analyze almost everything that occurs in my life, both big and small. I believe that I have come to a realization about the changes in my life that have occurred since the summer. I know that I will never fully understand why God decides to do all the things in my life that He has done for me. I do feel like I have somewhat of a grasp on the past couple of years and the emotional roller coaster that I have been on up until the past several months. I truly believe that things like deaths of close relatives, rejection from medical schools, and heartbreaks and failed friendships have all taken place for God to wake up a miserable, loathsome, pessimistic, cynical, bitter young boy and place him on the path of godliness and righteousness.

I feel like God used the circumstances in my life to bring out what I feel more and more everyday is a spiritual gift in my life: exhortation. Replaying events in my life has helped me realize that I need to be fully and whole-heartedly broken in every aspect of life before I would cry out to my Father and have Him not only heal me, but change me in a way that I hope I never stray from. I am able to empathize in many situations, and with that not only listen to the person, but encourage them and point them back to the cross and the love/faithfulness of God and the hope that is found only in Him.

Life is not supposed to be easy. Life is not meant to be lived for yourself or for others for that matter. Life is only worth living if it is spent serving the Creator that made you. All other ways of life result in futility.

Am I saying that my life is all peaches and cream? Heck, no! The thing is that I really do not have too many worries anymore and am enjoying life much more to its fullest by giving it all over to God. He will get me into medical school in His timing. He will provide a place for me to live after next month. He will provide a wonderful, godly wife and the blessing of children. He has given me so much, and yet He has so much left to bless me with. The blessing and joys of life in Christ.......enough said!

Where I live

I have come to a point in life where for once I am content with all of the circumstances and situations that I find myself in. I will start working soon, which is a blessing from God, I most likely have to reapply to med school in a couple of months, and I only have a couple of months left in the apartment I am currently in before I have no place to live. These aspects of my life are not what I truly need to focus on because they will all be handled by a loving Father that I am so thankful for.

I do have to say that I am excited to move. I really pray that my next living scenario brings in people that will be more than just roommates and people to live with who pay the rent. I want to live with people that will challenge me, encourage me, and most definitely keep me accountable for things. My current living situation is quite the opposite. I come and go as I please with no one taking a meaningful approach to delve into anyone's life. As long as I pay my part of the rent, then it does not matter where I am at or what I am doing. I know that I am not getting myself into trouble or anything, but it would be nice to have real relationships with the people that see me the most everyday and see where I sin and fail and need to grow. I truly hope God puts great brothers in my life this next time around. This is my prayer.....

Miracles

I truly believe that God can perform miracles because I am positive that the 180 degree turn that I have made in my own life in a relatively short period of time is a great testimony of it! I have been following Christ for years now, but I now know what I can attest to this transformation in my life: from the bitter, cynical, pessimistic, angry, despairing, person into a hoping, optimistic, encouraging, God-fearing, trusting, gentle godly man. The only change that I have made in my life, which I have come to realize is the ultimate change, is fully and whole-heartedly submitting to Christ and the will that God has for me and my life. I was so foolish to think that my life is my own and God can just play a role in it. Far be it from that truth that that truly is. I have no worries or anxiety in my life anymore. In less than two months I won't have a place to live, might no have a job, and might not have even been accepted into medical school, but that does not matter to me. God is more than faithful to provide whatever He sees necessary to sustain my life. That is more than enough of a reassurance in my life. I am so grateful for how far I have come in changing and how I have such a passion to strive and pursue godliness and being above reproach.

Ah, words cannot express the strong feelings of gratitude and love that I have for my Father. He alone deserves the glory and praise for the transformations in my life. Thinking about the last year leaves me baffled as to how I could have been so blind and lost in trying to keep God in the passenger seat of my life. That has all changed now. I am excited for what God is doing in my life, as well as the people and circumstances that He keeps bringing in. The future is very uncertain, but God is the God of eternity and His faithfulness and grace know no boundaries. I really hope my life will be a testimony of Christ and the power He has to truly change the hearts of people. I pray people will see a new joy in my life and that it will give me an opportunity to express with them what is on my heart. Thank you for Your love and kindness. Thank You for never abandoning me....

Future worries, or lack thereof.....

The future is not something that I care too much about anymore. I have come to realize and accept that worrying about the future and making sure every little detail of my life is planned out only ends in frustration and futility. As of now, I have not been accepted into any medical school, and that is totally fine with me. I have no problem waiting to get into school because I am positive that God will get me in when He wants me in, and that He would not have given me this passion for medicine if He did not intend for me to use it eventually. I very might have a job soon, which is going to help end the monotony of life. Things are definitely on the up and up in my life, and I knew that I had to hit a very low point months ago for myself to be brought up to this place where I am now. I serve a faithful and loving God, and the support from my friends and family have been overwhelming.

The concept of living life to its fullest and living a life abundantly has really helped in coming to terms with things. I am trying to live life in light of the future. I mean, I want to look back at my life and know that I utilized all the blessings that I have been given. I am trying to take advantage of the situations and circumstances as they arise everyday and confront them head on, despite whether it might make me uncomfortable or nervous. There really is no point because everything truly happens for a reason. Life really does get more enjoyable living it being reassured that God really does have everything in control. I wish I could have become this optimistic years ago, but God knows that I am stubborn and always have to learn things the hard way. Thanks for staying with me and never giving up on me......

Home...

Yet again I have decided to come home. I find it interesting that the sole purpose that I keep coming home is to ultimately keep getting more and more ink done on my tattoos. I always talk to my tattoo artist to make sure he is going to be free and in town before I even book the tickets to come back. Everyone that truly could claim to know me why I never want to return home if I could help it, but that is a different topic for a different time. I always appreciate coming home to the most loving, caring, sincere friends that a person could ask for. I feel like there is no guard up when I am around them. They are the few people that have seen me hit bottom emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and yet they are the ones that show me the most interest in my life and treat me almost how I would envision members of a non-dysfunctional family would treat each other. I love my real family and would really do anything for them, but, for the most part, we deal better thousands of miles apart, with the exception of the brother that has been a blessing having in somewhat close proximity to me. Getting older and older is causing my friends and I to keep moving further in terms of distance, yet closer to terms of endearment. I hope that never changes....

Encouragement

It has been interesting to see how much has changed in my life, especially in the past two months. God has literally brought me to my breaking point not too long ago. I have never been in such a position as this one. Through it, God has brought a great deal of resolve in my life, as well as support, encouragement, and accountability. I have noticed that my overall demeanor is changing, and much for the better. I am not nearly as pessimistic as I used to be. I do not go around with such a downtrodden, melancholy, despised manner. Everything is going to be more than sufficient in my different aspects of my life: medical school, a job, a place to live, and the list goes on and on. I truly feel like one of my gifts is the ability to have compassion for people as well as empathize and have a standing ground to be able to talk to them. I know that God will use this in my future profession to be able to talk to patients with their own problems in life. It is always helpful to talk to someone that has been in your position before but has pushed through and persevered. I am excited to be this kind of person. I anticipate the future......